sometimes i get to where i can stand thinking about you anymore. like now, im fucking sick of thinking of you always. youre always on my mind. good and bad. ive come to the realization that even though i do still love you, even though i do still miss you more than anything, we cannot be. and not because you say we cant. because im saying we cant. you controlled the fuck out of my every move. you could care less about the things in my life that are important to me. yeah, sometimes you were sweet, sometimes you were the best boy imaginable but you were never my real friend. no matter what you say. i may have fucked our entire relationship but you did your part in that as well. youll deny it your whole life but you did. and in the back of your complex little head, you know it. you know you could have been better too. i cant continue to let myself be tortured by your hate towards me for what i did, simply because i love you. love is not enough. it never was. it hurts me to write this now. but then again, ill always hurt for you. for what could of been. i wish you were different. not so quick to judge, not so quick to jump at the worst conclusions for no reason except for the fact that your scared that id hurt you again. scared that id make the same fucked up life altering decisions that i used to. i believe with all of my heart that i would not do those things to you again. but that doesnt matter. and i cant change you, cant change anyone. but myself. and so i have. not fully, not completely. but im a lot farther from what i once was. and a lot closer to who i want to be. and truly thats the most important right now. me. what im doing in life and where im going. i cant stay in the same place this long. im tired of the people, tired of the scenery. hopefully ill be able to travel the world. ive wanted to since i was a little girl. i wish that we could do so together, but thats something ive got to overcome as well. wishing. wishing is a dangerous thing for me, it gets my hopes up for no reason. just a simple wish opens up all these doors in my head. doors that are closed now. the trouble is locking those doors. your one of them, the most grandest door of all. i love you david. i always will whether you believe me or not. but i know now where i stand. and its not beside you, or behind you, or infront of you. i must love you from a far, i must love you in my memories and in my heart. and i will. no matter what, (clearly)
[im not done writing but ill come back to this, i promise.]
im going insane theres a fire in my chest
..looking up on what is raining down on me. i can only imagine about whats going to happen or is it just a translucent dream,
if it is i need to escape from this nightmare i live.
every morning i still feel trapped, broken, as if someone punched a hole through my chest stealing all my love. lust. heart. and my soul so what do i have left?
sitting here feeling trapped broken..
life, its being wasted. i have so many new feelings that could make this last for every craving, for a happy ever after, but every laugh builds a bigger tear that lights a fire in my soul..
but i am a hesitator.
you know what grinds my gears?
how much of a fucking ignorant ass hypocrite david baldwin truly is.
dont get me wrong, i still love him. with all i am.
but shit dude, really?
like okay, im done being sad over him. im done crying over him. im done wishing we were still together. and im most definately done with wishing i could change things.
now, im just angry. angry, and pissed off, and irritated.
so heres another one, that goes out to you david.
once again, fuck you. its hilarious how i wasnt allowed to smoke weed, or chill with anyone that did. and how after we break up alll you wanted to do was talk about how sick i make you and how much of a slut i am.
so after we breakup you go and fuck a girl thats 5387962864 times more nasty than i could ever dream of being.
that makes fucking since dumb ass.
you get a gf, what? ..a month of us not being together.
ha, how cute.
the past two girls that you’ve “talked” to both smoke weed, i would know. ive smoked with both of them cunt.
and how can you even say im nasty? you were with my nasty ass for more than a year so, if im fucking nasty;
then you caught the nasty too, fagot.
gah, how can you even be like this, like what the fuck is your thought process exactly?
it doesnt even make since!
fuck dude, youre like a starburst.
always contradicting yourself.
and being judgmental as fuck for no goddamn reason when you would think, with the way you look and the way you dont want people to judge you, that you wouldnt do shit like that.
but no, you do.
youre so fucking ignorant, like it makes my fucking head spin.
it also makes me happy, and laugh a lot. because youre so stupid.
no wonder we’re not meant to be.
i love how you have the nerve to call me nasty after you fuck that nasty ass lauren bitch,
fuck you david, for everything.
fuck you for letting me love you. fuck you for making me feel like shit, when really, youre the piece of shit, not me. youre an ignorant ass dick and the thought of you disgusts me beyond reasoning. fuck you for downing me. fuck you for judging me. fuck you for every single fucking tear ive shed over your fake ass.
fuck you for being charming. fuck you for making me see life in a completely different way. fuck you for being a part of every goddamn thought that enters my mind. fuck you for being you. fuck you for thinking that youre some superior fucking being that everyone should look up to and respect, because youre not shit, you dont go hard, youre a coward. fuck you for wasting a year and five months of my life. fuck you for every memory i have of us. fuck you for making me insecure. fuck you for making me feel like i need you in my life in order to be okay. fuck you for making me feel like its all my fault.
fuck you for not being the amazing person i thought you were.
fuck you for thinking your better than me. fuck you for being selfish. fuck you for listening to what everyone else has to say about me, after everything we’ve been through. fuck you for being the only thing i dream about anymore.
fuck your dreads, and your piercings, and your tattoos.
fuck you for being close minded. fuck you for not understanding allll the things ive been through and how much theyve affected me. fuck you for all the things youve ever thrown in my face. fuck you for being the only person ive ever loved like this. fuck you for making me feel this way.
fuck you for the fact that id still do anything to be with you.
fuck you because you enjoy the fact that im in pain over you everyday.
fuck you for walking past my house ALL THE TIME. fuck you for making my chest cave in every time i see you. fuck you for all of these girls you play around with. fuck you for being at the homecoming dance with another girl, infront of me. fuck you for being so close to me all the time, and it not affecting you in any way.
fuck you for all of the wonderful/fucked up emotions you made me feel. fuck you for being such a huge impact in my life. fuck you for not loving me anymore; because here i am still hopelessly inlove with you, for no reason. fuck you because even though all of these things are true, i still cant hate you. fuck you for ALL of this not even bothering you. fuck you for being able to move on. fuck you for you being to walk around like nothing ever happened. fuck you for making me feel pathetic. fuck you for asking me to marry you. fuck you for all of the times we put our hands on eachother. fuck you for being the only real thing ive ever had in my life. fuck you for having such a stable family/life. fuck you because theres nothing i can do to make you realize that i love you more than life. fuck you for not looking back.
fuck me for hurting you.
fuck me for letting you go.