i just wanna be in a meaningful relationship, damnit.
i just want a boyfriend. i dont need one, it would just be nice. i want someone to be my bestfriend, someone who wont judge me. someone who will like me for me and all of my weird emotions. someone to talk to. someone who will actually talk back and tell me what theyre feeling. i wanna be cute, and cuddle all the time and play old video games together, go to shows together, hangout with my friends. (like the 3 i actually have) i want someone to smoke with. (not a requirement) i want someone to stay the night with me, and want to fuck me just as bad as i want to fuck them (which would happen a lot). i want someone to hold my hand, to hold me. i want someone to laugh at the ridiculous things i say. i want someone i can trust to hangout with girls. and i want someone to love me. i want someone who wont be so quick to leave. i want someone to see me as a whole. not just a shell. someone to motivate me. to believe in me.
is this too much to ask for?
sometimes i get to where i can stand thinking about you anymore. like now, im fucking sick of thinking of you always. youre always on my mind. good and bad. ive come to the realization that even though i do still love you, even though i do still miss you more than anything, we cannot be. and not because you say we cant. because im saying we cant. you controlled the fuck out of my every move. you could care less about the things in my life that are important to me. yeah, sometimes you were sweet, sometimes you were the best boy imaginable but you were never my real friend. no matter what you say. i may have fucked our entire relationship but you did your part in that as well. youll deny it your whole life but you did. and in the back of your complex little head, you know it. you know you could have been better too. i cant continue to let myself be tortured by your hate towards me for what i did, simply because i love you. love is not enough. it never was. it hurts me to write this now. but then again, ill always hurt for you. for what could of been. i wish you were different. not so quick to judge, not so quick to jump at the worst conclusions for no reason except for the fact that your scared that id hurt you again. scared that id make the same fucked up life altering decisions that i used to. i believe with all of my heart that i would not do those things to you again. but that doesnt matter. and i cant change you, cant change anyone. but myself. and so i have. not fully, not completely. but im a lot farther from what i once was. and a lot closer to who i want to be. and truly thats the most important right now. me. what im doing in life and where im going. i cant stay in the same place this long. im tired of the people, tired of the scenery. hopefully ill be able to travel the world. ive wanted to since i was a little girl. i wish that we could do so together, but thats something ive got to overcome as well. wishing. wishing is a dangerous thing for me, it gets my hopes up for no reason. just a simple wish opens up all these doors in my head. doors that are closed now. the trouble is locking those doors. your one of them, the most grandest door of all. i love you david. i always will whether you believe me or not. but i know now where i stand. and its not beside you, or behind you, or infront of you. i must love you from a far, i must love you in my memories and in my heart. and i will. no matter what, (clearly)
[im not done writing but ill come back to this, i promise.]