im fighting the pain thats inside me now.
waiting to see which one wins.
the anger or the hurt.
the hurt is a bit easier to deal with now,
i see it for what it is, know that its just emptiness.
that slowly comes and go’s.
anger is another story,
its at the tip of my tongue,
trying to make its way out and be heard.
the problem is shutting it up.
holding it in.
arent you supposed to let it out?
reek havoc upon the world..
atleast im not crying.
everyone says that crying doesnt do anything,
theyre wrong. it makes it worse.
cryings is letting youre emotions get the best of you.
and i refuse to do so.
i refuse to let this break me, again.
never look back.
thats my motto now.
over my dead body.
i love how you have the nerve to call me nasty after you fuck that nasty ass lauren bitch,
fuck you david, for everything.
fuck you for letting me love you. fuck you for making me feel like shit, when really, youre the piece of shit, not me. youre an ignorant ass dick and the thought of you disgusts me beyond reasoning. fuck you for downing me. fuck you for judging me. fuck you for every single fucking tear ive shed over your fake ass.
fuck you for being charming. fuck you for making me see life in a completely different way. fuck you for being a part of every goddamn thought that enters my mind. fuck you for being you. fuck you for thinking that youre some superior fucking being that everyone should look up to and respect, because youre not shit, you dont go hard, youre a coward. fuck you for wasting a year and five months of my life. fuck you for every memory i have of us. fuck you for making me insecure. fuck you for making me feel like i need you in my life in order to be okay. fuck you for making me feel like its all my fault.
fuck you for not being the amazing person i thought you were.
fuck you for thinking your better than me. fuck you for being selfish. fuck you for listening to what everyone else has to say about me, after everything we’ve been through. fuck you for being the only thing i dream about anymore.
fuck your dreads, and your piercings, and your tattoos.
fuck you for being close minded. fuck you for not understanding allll the things ive been through and how much theyve affected me. fuck you for all the things youve ever thrown in my face. fuck you for being the only person ive ever loved like this. fuck you for making me feel this way.
fuck you for the fact that id still do anything to be with you.
fuck you because you enjoy the fact that im in pain over you everyday.
fuck you for walking past my house ALL THE TIME. fuck you for making my chest cave in every time i see you. fuck you for all of these girls you play around with. fuck you for being at the homecoming dance with another girl, infront of me. fuck you for being so close to me all the time, and it not affecting you in any way.
fuck you for all of the wonderful/fucked up emotions you made me feel. fuck you for being such a huge impact in my life. fuck you for not loving me anymore; because here i am still hopelessly inlove with you, for no reason. fuck you because even though all of these things are true, i still cant hate you. fuck you for ALL of this not even bothering you. fuck you for being able to move on. fuck you for you being to walk around like nothing ever happened. fuck you for making me feel pathetic. fuck you for asking me to marry you. fuck you for all of the times we put our hands on eachother. fuck you for being the only real thing ive ever had in my life. fuck you for having such a stable family/life. fuck you because theres nothing i can do to make you realize that i love you more than life. fuck you for not looking back.
fuck me for hurting you.
fuck me for letting you go.
- i just wrote this to my cousin in a conversation and it kinda made me realize as i was writing it how fucked up i am right now and its scaring me.
idk dude, i guess ive been holding everything in for so long and just putting on this front like im okay, because i want to be okay. but i cant.. like, its my mind soo i should be able to control what/when i think about things but i cant. which pisses me off. ive been pissed off a lot lately for like no particular reason and it makes my head hurt. ive had a headache for awhile. not like a throbbing headache that goes away, its like a constant ache that just sits in the back of my head 24/7. atleast i went to sleep lastnight, that might have something to do with it. idk bro, im sorry im just going on aand on, and the sad part is.. its not like i want attention because i dont. at all. i just honestly dont give a fuck anymore. about anything.. like sometimes im okay, i get shit that needs to be done, done. but its rare as fuck that i actually feel happy, without an inch of sadness/anger inside of me. i hate it torie, i really do. like its making me a realer/stronger person at the same time and i like that its made me more mature.. and made me actually think about shit. but i hate being fucked up and depressed all the time bc i feel like it makes people think im emo, or they dont wanna be around me bc ima buzz kill. which i am, thats cool. but idk im ranting bc i have SO much inside my head. it feels like its just gonna explode, and my mind is like a bomb and its ticking my life away and one day its just gonna explode. because it cant hold anymore fucked up thoughts.